remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
