meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
