Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I wish I only lived at night.
im six kinds of drunk right now
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
