.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
