Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
