I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
