Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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