The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
