I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize