He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
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