he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize