I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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