i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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