dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
