Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize