Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize