Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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