I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize