I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
