Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
