cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
