so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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