Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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