I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
