Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
