I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize