I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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