You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
