If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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