yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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