Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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