it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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