She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
