it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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