Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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