I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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