Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
