please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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