You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
