the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
