Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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