is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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