you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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