All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
