I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i think i have herpe
just one?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
