duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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