I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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