So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
