If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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