weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
