Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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