DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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