3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
