I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
