is your mom at the bar?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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