if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
