Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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