you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
