I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
