I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
